Ok, so the last post was about attachment. I hope you gleaned from that post that (generally speaking) many institutionalized (orphanage) adopted children have deep losses that have to be recognized and healed. As parents, we can play a large part in this healing process, although we know that God alone heals our hearts.
There is a lot of research about how to embark on the healing process of kids. The first thing to understand is that it takes TIME. This can't be done in 3 months; this is a lifelong process. Some things occur very quickly, and some slowly. We have to build trust with our children, that they know parents will meet their needs and that we aren't going to leave them. We have to teach our kids that we love them unconditionally for who they are right now and will protect them.
Cocooning
When we initially bring our adopted child into our home, we are going to experience a time of "cocooning." Cocooning is another adoption buzz word, which describes a very intensive care season, in which mom and dad are not only the primary caregivers, but the only ones to hold, feed, change, touch, rock and play with baby. We won't be introducing new people (even family), and won't be leaving the house much. Our agency suggests this time frame being between 6 weeks and 3 months, although I have heard some families have just continually re-evaluated where their kids are at each mark and some kids have needed longer time to cocoon.
The cocooning process allows the children to understand that mom and dad will meet their needs. It allows the children to be acclimated to the new environment with minimal overstimulation. Our daughter won't know what a mom or dad is. We will use this time to teach her what any biological 2 year old already knows- mom and dad love you and will respond to you when you cry and have a need. She is already used to being passed around and having multiple people respond to her needs- we need to teach her who we are are and that you can't go to just anyone to have needs met- this will allow for her to set up healthy boundaries for the future.
It may seem harsh to not pass our daughter around, or bring her to church for the first few months, or allow others (even family) to hold and kiss her, but we know that the best interest of our daughter is for her to know that mom and dad are the ones who give affection and care for her most. Eventually, when Ryah is ready, those things may come. But for the first few months especially, we have to put the best interest of our daughter above the feelings of others. Until we are confident that Ryah knows us and is attaching to us, then we won't step out of the cocoon. And even after we are out of the cocoon, there may be times we need to go back in and allow for Ryah to recover from overstimulation, especially if we see that she is not attaching afterall. This is a process that Aaron and I get to control and we know that in the long run, Ryah will be a happier kid, and ABLE to have healthy relationships with her friends and family if she has made a secure attachment to us first.
How Do You Know if its Working?
The great thing about adoption is that "little" things are BIG milestones! When we see that our daughter is seeking our approval before going to strangers, that is a good thing. "Charming" strangers is a habit of institutionalized children- where they are always "parent shopping" and may seem overly happy or silly to get attention. Although that certainly may be part of our daughter's personality, we want to be careful that she knows that WE are the ones who respond to her first.
Other signs of progress: when our daughter cries or acknowledges that she has a need, because it means she knows that we will meet her needs. I know, this may seem weird, but a lot of institutionalized children don't cry and don't tell parents when they are hungry, have a wet/dirty diaper, or need something. We have to teach our daughter that we will meet her needs, and celebrate when she lets us know them! Sometimes institutionalized children may hoard food or toys, because they fear that they may not get them again later. This is a positive sign if hoarding is not an issue.
It is a good sign when our daughter is able to make healthy relationships and able to communicate with others using appropriate words and actions. It is a good thing when she shows us her happy moments and sad and angry moments- because she knows that we acknowledge her emotions and value her; our love does not depend on her acting a certain way.
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Alright, again, thanks for reading this if you made it to the end! I'm trying to lay a foundation so that others will understand our decision to keep Ryah a bit private when we first come home. More information to come, as well as our "plan" :)!
**I realize that not all families choose to cocoon, and some have had good experiences with their decision. In our case, we have no other children at home, so we are able to stay home with our daughter. This post was written to educate non-adoptive friends and families on the purpose behind our decision to cocoon with our daughter after she is home. At this time, all of this is written based on research, recommendations from our agency, and experiences of other adoptive families- not personal experience as parents. **
Thanks again Rebekah for this great information :)
I'm not sure if my comment showed up on Part 3, but I'm back-tracking to read this part. Again, this is really informative and good to learn about. Thanks for sharing!
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