Adoption Update

I'm here again with yet another adoption update. I will be so glad when there are no more updates to give because our sweet girl is home! Honestly, this wait has been getting the best of us lately. Thankfully, each of us has our moments on separate days, we would be a mess if we both had them on the same day. Totally God's grace right there. Anyways- here's the update.  We are currently waiting on the Embassy to finish processing our case. There is one last interview that has to take place with a person involved in Ryah's case before we are cleared to come and get her.  We heard this morning that that interview has been scheduled for December 4! We were hoping to be fit in next week- but they were booked solid until the 4th.  So we are bummed about that- but glad to at least have a date in sight. Please be praying for this date and this interview.  Pray that all goes well and we will receive clearance quickly after the interview. We are praying hard to have our sweet girl home for Christmas- that would be the best gift ever!

For Beautiful Baby

I'm interrupting the Attachment and Cocooning series today, there's only one post left, but I'm going to wait a little longer to post it.  Today I have something I wanted to show you.  If you remember, this awesome dress was donated to our auction:

Seriously, can't get over the cuteness! And if Ryah will come home soon I would love to order one for her for Christmas once I know for sure what size she will fit in!  Anyway, this dress was donated by one of our fellow Summit members! And I wanted you to see it today so that you could get your cuteness in time for Christmas!  If you are looking for some ideas, she makes some really cute stuff, and the great thing is that the proceeds from her shop go towards their domestic adoption! I love finding things where your money goes to a great cause and you get some awesome goods.  For the last 2 years we have tried to buy all of our Christmas gifts from something that gives back, and we love doing that! So along with this post, I'm going to try to highlight the donations to our auction that support other adoptions, so that maybe we can help them out as well.  Anna and her husband have been waiting about a year to be matched with their little one.  Please go check out her Etsy Shop: For Beautiful Baby and do a little shopping! I bet you'll find something cute :) You can follow more of their story here!

Attachment and Cocooning Part 2

Here is part 2 of the series on attachment and cocooning. This post focuses on cocooning and also was written by my friend Rebekah at Saying Yes to Adoption.


Ok, so the last post was about attachment. I hope you gleaned from that post that (generally speaking) many institutionalized (orphanage) adopted children have deep losses that have to be recognized and healed. As parents, we can play a large part in this healing process, although we know that God alone heals our hearts.

There is a lot of research about how to embark on the healing process of kids. The first thing to understand is that it takes TIME. This can't be done in 3 months; this is a lifelong process. Some things occur very quickly, and some slowly. We have to build trust with our children, that they know parents will meet their needs and that we aren't going to leave them. We have to teach our kids that we love them unconditionally for who they are right now and will protect them.

Cocooning

When we initially bring our adopted child into our home, we are going to experience a time of "cocooning." Cocooning is another adoption buzz word, which describes a very intensive care season, in which mom and dad are not only the primary caregivers, but the only ones to hold, feed, change, touch, rock and play with baby. We won't be introducing new people (even family), and won't be leaving the house much. Our agency suggests this time frame being between 6 weeks and 3 months, although I have heard some families have just continually re-evaluated where their kids are at each mark and some kids have needed longer time to cocoon.

The cocooning process allows the children to understand that mom and dad will meet their needs. It allows the children to be acclimated to the new environment with minimal overstimulation. Our daughter won't know what a mom or dad is. We will use this time to teach her what any biological 2 year old already knows- mom and dad love you and will respond to you when you cry and have a need. She is already used to being passed around and having multiple people respond to her needs- we need to teach her who we are are and that you can't go to just anyone to have needs met- this will allow for her to set up healthy boundaries for the future.

It may seem harsh to not pass our daughter around, or bring her to church for the first few months, or allow others (even family) to hold and kiss her, but we know that the best interest of our daughter is for her to know that mom and dad are the ones who give affection and care for her most. Eventually, when Ryah is ready, those things may come. But for the first few months especially, we have to put the best interest of our daughter above the feelings of others. Until we are confident that Ryah knows us and is attaching to us, then we won't step out of the cocoon. And even after we are out of the cocoon, there may be times we need to go back in and allow for Ryah to recover from overstimulation, especially if we see that she is not attaching afterall. This is a process that Aaron and I get to control and we know that in the long run, Ryah will be a happier kid, and ABLE to have healthy relationships with her friends and family if she has made a secure attachment to us first.

How Do You Know if its Working?

The great thing about adoption is that "little" things are BIG milestones! When we see that our daughter is seeking our approval before going to strangers, that is a good thing. "Charming" strangers is a habit of institutionalized children- where they are always "parent shopping" and may seem overly happy or silly to get attention. Although that certainly may be part of our daughter's personality, we want to be careful that she knows that WE are the ones who respond to her first.

Other signs of progress: when our daughter cries or acknowledges that she has a need, because it means she knows that we will meet her needs. I know, this may seem weird, but a lot of institutionalized children don't cry and don't tell parents when they are hungry, have a wet/dirty diaper, or need something. We have to teach our daughter  that we will meet her needs, and celebrate when she lets us know them! Sometimes institutionalized children may hoard food or toys, because they fear that they may not get them again later. This is a positive sign if hoarding is not an issue.

It is a good sign when our daughter is able to make healthy relationships and able to communicate with others using appropriate words and actions. It is a good thing when she shows us her happy moments and sad and angry moments- because she knows that we acknowledge her emotions and value her; our love does not depend on her acting a certain way.


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Alright, again, thanks for reading this if you made it to the end! I'm trying to lay a foundation so that others will understand our decision to keep Ryah a bit private when we first come home. More information to come, as well as our "plan" :)!

**I realize that not all families choose to cocoon, and some have had good experiences with their decision. In our case, we have no other children at home, so we are able to stay home with our daughter. This post was written to educate non-adoptive friends and families on the purpose behind our decision to cocoon with our daughter after she is home. At this time, all of this is written based on research, recommendations from our agency, and experiences of other adoptive families- not personal experience as parents. **

Thanks again Rebekah for this great information :)

Attachment and Cocooning- what is it?

Ok friends, I am going to start a series of posts this week to help you understand what life is going to look like for a while once Ryah comes home.  We are literally weeks away from bringing her home forever and we are so excited!! Seriously- can't believe it! We put her carseat together yesterday, it feels so surreal!! All we are waiting on at this point is clearance from the Embassy telling us to come get her! It could happen any day! Yay!! So here are a few things that will be important to how we help our girl adjust.  The rest of this post was written by my friend Rebekah over at Saying Yes to Adoption. She did a great job putting all of this into words and gave me permission to use on my blog(I tweaked a few things to make it appropriate for Ryah), so huge thanks to her for that!  Make sure you check out her blog before you leave!

Attachment

Adoption Parenting defines attachment as "a close, trusting tie between two people; or in particular, as the reciprocal relationship between an infant and her primary caregiver... Healthy attachment occurs when the infant experiences her caregiver as consistently providing emotional essentials such as touch, movement, eye contact and smiles, as well as the basic necessities such as food and shelter." (p.43).

Attachment, which is a big buzz word in the adoption community, is the connection that the child has with the parent- in which the child completely trusts the parents and allows the parents to meet the needs of the child. This is typically a natural process for biological children, but for adopted children (even a child adopted at day 1 in the hospital) have already experienced some major losses that can interfere with the attachment process.  

Loss 

If you've had a biological child, think about it this way: from the moment you found out you were pregnant, you (probably) had positive emotional feelings towards your child. For 40-ish weeks of pregnancy, you took extra care of your body, talked to the baby, anticipated his arrival, etc. When the baby was born, you took care of his needs immediately- feeding, changing, bathing. Every time the baby cried you were probably there to meet its needs. From the beginning (conception) the baby knew that you loved it and even after birth, you met the needs the baby had.

Now let's think about (in general) institutionalized (orphanage-setting) children. Please note all of this is generalization, nothing is specific to Ryah's story or meant to say that every institutionalized child comes from this background. In some cases, the events of conception could be traumatic (rape, etc) or the discovery of pregnancy could result in shame, abuse, and fear. The 40ish weeks of pregnancy could be very traumatic instead of peaceful and joy-filling. The birth could occur in a dangerous or unsafe setting, and the child's needs could be unmet by abandonment or malnourishment. Perhaps the child is moved to an orphanage, and then to another orphanage or foster home. Each time the child is moved to a new place, the child loses the connection with the previous one: loss of birth mother, loss of home, loss of familiarity. There is not one person consistently meeting needs.

Identifying these losses will not only allow us to be compassionate towards our kids, but understand why we have to rebuild trust. Our daughter has been in an orphanage almost her entire life. She has been passed around between nannies, and although she is being very well fed and cared for, she does not have a primary caregiver like she would if she was in our home. Her special mothers always care for multiple children at a time, and her needs may not be met immediately, like if she was in our home. Even when we do finally bring Ryah home, there will be a huge loss for her- the culture of Ethiopia, the sound of Amharic speaking, the sights of brown skinned caregivers, the smells of the care center. Everything will be completely new. She won't automatically know or trust us, even though we did spend five days with her in July. 

How Loss Affects Attachment

Institutionalized adopted children can deal with several emotions, all that lead to reactions. In Adoption Parenting, these emotions are listed as loss, rejection, guilt and shame, grief, mastery/control, identity and intimacy (p.7). If these emotions are not processed correctly (with the caregivers) then internal reactions occur. The way the parents help the children heal and meet the child's needs affects the attachment that they have.

 In the same book, pages 55-56 describe types of attachment:

Secure- able to engage with mom, and others. Upset when mom leaves but is happy when reunited. Able to develop trust, self-regulation, and self-reliance, healthy and meaningful relationships and coping skills for stress and frustration.

Anxious/Ambivalent- inconsolable when mom is gone, reunions with mom are resentful; resistant when mom initiates attention; afraid to explore surroundings or meet new people. 

Insecure/Avoidant- avoids and ignores mom; treats mom same as strangers, doesn't express emotions and doesn't explore environment, finds ways to self-care and won't ask for help or show needs. 

Insecure/Disorganized- scared of caregivers; acts rejected, alarmed; hurts others with little remorse. 

Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD)- little conscience or fear of consequence, will hurt, life and steal without remorse, will not respond normally to nurturing or discipline. 

The Big Deal

Karen Purvis wrote in The Connected Child: "Children raised in an impoverished orphanage setting without any primary caretaker at all can lack attachment skills entirely. These children may not have the basic moral compass that tells them not to hurt other people because they never got closely connected with another person." (p28).

At Created for Care, Amy Monroe said something beautiful: "The past affects the future but does not determine it." Just because Ryah, and other institutionalized children, have had inconsistent settings from the beginning, and may currently have some attachment issues, the LORD can overcome their grief and heal their hearts. *We have already seen huge strides in our girl over the past few months as we have seen how attached she is to her nanny. This is great news because we know that she will eventually attach to us and that she is capable of forming that bond- but it will also make bringing her home a very difficult transition for her as we take her away from all she knows.

Congrats if you made it through to the end of this post! Come back next time for a post on HOW to heal their hearts! (*All of this was based on Rebekah's research and experience from other adoptive families before her son came home. She has done several follow up posts after he came home that back up the things discussed here and how they have worked for their family) Thanks again Rebekah!